


Plumbing Problems

by hikorichan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, F/M, First Time, Masturbation, One Shot, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Sexual Dysfunction, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-23 03:58:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4862195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikorichan/pseuds/hikorichan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can Hermione find a solution to Severus’s malfunctioning pipe?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plumbing Problems

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was written for the Summer of Severus Comment Fest on Livejournal. The prompt was simply "plumbing," and I couldn't help but be a bit cheeky! Thank you to AdelaideArcher for her beta skills.

Severus had what he could only describe as “plumbing problems.”

He, a 45-year-old virgin, lay naked next to an equally naked and beautiful witch, and yet somehow, his normally enthusiastic pipe was failing him. 

Yes, his cock was soft. Flaccid. Utterly floppy. It resembled not the sword of a proud knight about to impale its sheath, but a worm wrestling limply through the muddy battlefield. 

It wasn’t some average witch he was disappointing with his clogged spout either. No, somehow, Severus had managed to end up in the bed of the Brightest Witch of her Age, the bloody Princess of Gryffindor, the only female member of the Golden Trio — and perhaps most importantly, the most intelligent, kind, and beautiful woman he had ever had the pleasure of knowing. 

And if the lake of lubrication spilling from between her thighs was anything to go by, _she_ was having no trouble at all with her body’s faucets. 

Severus wished his problem was an overzealous leak, rather than the complete system failure he was experiencing. That, at least, he could blame on overexcitement. 

But as much as he desired to stick his hose into Hermione’s drain, he could not seem to turn the damn thing on. 

Mortified at his dysfunction, he groaned and rolled over onto his back, closing his eyes in an attempt to block the shame he felt rising from his groin. 

“It’s okay, Severus,” said Hermione softly, stroking his cheek. Severus chanced a look at her from beneath his eyelashes. She lay next to him, her breasts pressed into his side and her chin resting on his ribcage. Her eyes were soft and understanding, but beneath that he could see her disappointment, and that made him feel like the worst sort of fool. 

Severus closed his eyes tightly, feeling useless and humiliated. “I’m so sorry, Hermione,” he muttered.

“It’s fine. We’ll try again later.”

Gods, she was so damnably kind and understanding. Not able to bear her acceptance of his broken manhood any longer, he bolted from the bed, locking himself in the bathroom.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked fine — better than he had in more than a decade, if truth be told. His face still sported his ghastly nose, but he wasn’t quite as sallow or skeletal as he’d once been. He sighed. As if his face mattered at this moment. His relationship with Hermione currently concerned only one body part, and it resided quite a bit further south. 

He stared down at his cock, which lay shrunken against his saggy, wrinkled balls and a black patch of hair. Narrowing his eyes, a rage like he hadn’t felt in years bubbled in his chest against his shame. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he hissed at his cock, taking it in his hand and wriggling it violently, to no effect. “You have a brilliant, beautiful witch in there desiring your _sturdy_ presence, you know! I know you’re a little fucking rusty, but we’re not that old!”

He seethed at his member, still soft in his hand, and felt the urge to hex something. It was a good thing his wand was sitting on Hermione’s bedside table.

Sadly, an Engorgement Charm would have only given him a larger woefully floppy dick. 

A knock came from the door, and then Hermione’s soft, worried voice. “Severus? Are you okay?” 

Knowing she was unlikely to leave him alone until he let her in — the witch was more stubborn than Albus and Minerva combined — he grudgingly opened the door, wishing he had thought to bring a pair of pants with him when he fled to the washroom. 

She was wearing a silk bathrobe, her hair a mess from their disastrous attempt to make love. She smiled at him, and Severus felt some of his anger fade.

“You know perfectly well I am not okay,” he said with a sneer, trying desperately to hide his discomfort. 

“I don’t think locking yourself in the bathroom is going to help the situation,” said Hermione with a small grin, reaching out her hand. “Come back to bed.”

“What’s the point?” asked Severus glumly, waving towards his still-limp member. 

“Is sex the only reason you’re with me?” Hermione asked.

“Of course not!” Severus protested.

“So come back to bed.”

Severus took Hermione’s hand and followed her back to the bedroom, where she shed her robe and climbed under the covers with him, looping her arms around his shoulders. 

“I’m sorry, Hermione. Please don’t think my performance is any reflection on you. I really wanted to be making love to you right now,” said Severus, searching Hermione’s face for any hint of sadness or rejection.

Instead she smiled, and snuggled closer to him under the quilts. 

“You know, I’ve read that stress can have an effect on a man’s… er… performance,” said Hermione. She glanced downwards, and gave an odd half-smile. “Maybe he’s just nervous?”

“I do not get nervous,” Severus said stubbornly.

“You do remember our first date, don’t you?”

Severus remembered. He was very displeased to find out his Occlumency shields were not strong enough to block his nerves when it came to Hermione. He’d been so anxious at the restaurant that he’d knocked Hermione’s wine glass over twice trying to refill it, and had said goodbye about thirty times at her doorstep before she’d finally taken pity on him and kissed him first. 

“Fine, perhaps I am slightly nervous,” Severus admitted with a scowl.

“Maybe this is like kissing. Maybe I just need to go first.”

“I do believe this is a two-person endeavour we’re attempting,” drawled Severus with a huff.

“Not necessarily,” said Hermione, rolling over onto her back and throwing back the covers. The candles that lit the room gave Hermione’s pale skin a soft orange glow, and Severus watched her breasts rise and fall with her breath.

“What are you doing?” 

“Just watch and try to relax, Severus,” instructed Hermione with a coy smile. 

Severus’s eyes widened as her hands began to move sensually over her body, beginning with her face, and then cascading down her sides and over her stomach. Finally they came to rest over her breasts, cupping them and drawing them upwards. She kneaded her rounded globes of flesh, and then pinched a nipple, eliciting a little moan. 

Severus’s mouth watered, and he swallowed, eyes glued to Hermione’s hands. He’d never imagined watching Hermione touch herself could be so erotic. 

When her left hand trailed downwards to the patch of brown curls between her legs, Severus’s gaze followed. A finger slipped between her folds, and Severus was momentarily distracted by his until-now unresponsive plumbing giving a slight twitch. 

His attention was quickly captured by Hermione again, however, as she moaned softly and began moving her fingers over her clitoris. 

Severus glanced at her face, startled to find her eyes open and staring at him. Her pupils were large and dark with desire, her breath coming in little puffs as she continued to pleasure herself. 

“D—does it feel good?” Severus asked roughly.

“Yes,” breathed Hermione. “It feels wonderful. You turn me on so much.”

“I do?” 

“Mmmm,” Hermione hummed, her eyes fluttering shut momentarily as she quickened the pace of her fingers. 

“I dream about this sometimes, having you watch me like this,” she continued, her voice husky. 

“What—what else happens in your dreams?” Severus’s eyes flicked back to her fingers, which were glistening with her juices as they moved quickly over her clit. 

“Sometimes you touch me, put your fingers inside me like this,” said Hermione, lifting her hips from the bed and plunging two fingers inside herself. “Oh Gods…”

“You like that?”

“Yes,” whimpered Hermione, her fingers returning to rub at her little nub of nerves. 

“Then what happens? After I touch you?”

“You put your cock inside me, and it feels so good. You fuck me so hard, Severus… until I’m screaming your name, and you fill me with your come… and… Oh I’m so close…”

“You’re going to climax?”

“Yesssss,” moaned Hermione, her fingers moving frantically now, her hips twitching with each flick of her fingers.

“Come for me, then. Merlin, I want to fuck you… you’re so beautiful, Hermione.”

“Oh, Severus… Severus…” Hermione gasped, and her orgasm exploded from her violently, her body becoming taut and then shuddering against the bed. The sight acted like Drano on Severus’s clogged hose, and it sprung urgently to life, ready for whatever Severus desired to do to his witch. 

Not willing to waste anymore time, Severus rolled over on top of Hermione. He kissed her deeply as he grasped his cock in his hand, positioning it over her opening. Their lips broke apart, and Hermione’s eyes went wide as she felt his rigid member pressed against her.

“It’s working,” Severus said with a smug grin, and he plunged inside her, moaning as her silky tightness sheathed him to the hilt. 

He proceeded to make her dreams reality, bringing them both to screaming orgasms, leaks, clogs, and rust long forgotten. 

After that, Severus never had plumbing problems again.


End file.
